First time swingers have a lot to think about – the process of becoming swingers can strengthen your marriage, if you go about it the right way with patience, open communication, and honesty.
If you and your spouse are considering the swinger lifestyle, it helps to do some thought exercises and talk with each other about your feelings and anticipate possible situations before they arise. Ask each other questions, such as:
- If you never got to have sex again with anyone but your spouse, how would you both feel about that? Hopefully, even though you’re excited about having sex with other people, you still love having sex with each other and would be happy to stay monogamous with each other – if that’s what you both agree upon.
- What are you hoping to get out of the experience of being a swinger? What excites you most? Of course it’s exciting to get to experience new sex partners and new sexual experiences – but ideally, you should be excited for your partner to experience pleasure as well as yourself. The vicarious feeling of enjoying another’s pleasure is called “compersion.” What a great word! One of the most surprising things for me about couple-swapping group sex was seeing how much I enjoyed watching my wife and seeing her receive pleasure from others.
- What is your biggest fear or worry about becoming swingers? Are you afraid of feeling jealousy? Are you afraid of losing your spouse? Are you afraid that your spouse will like one of their other sex partners better than you? It’s natural to have a few fears and worries. Before my wife and I got into swinging, I remember being afraid that I would be very sad to see her with another man. But in reality, it was just really hot! Plus, I got to be with another woman at the same time – bonus!
- What do you never want your spouse to do (or not do) as part of the non-monogamy lifestyle? What are your absolute rules and limits and boundaries? And why are these rules and limits important to you? For example, if your spouse says, “I don’t want to see you having sex with another man,” ask why. Is he afraid that he can’t please you as well as another man who might be better endowed or able to last longer? Is he uncomfortable sharing his wife with another man? Explore the underlying reasons together, with compassion and honesty. And remember, there’s no pressure and no rush – you can start slow with “soft swap” swinger activity, by having oral sex with other partners but stopping short of “full swap” intercourse.
Becoming swingers can be one of the most exciting, sexy and fulfilling journeys you can experience as a couple. But make sure you’re ready to navigate the emotions that go along with it. Talk about it. Do your research (by reading blogs like this one, and/or talking to swinger couples who you know). Be radically honest and open with each other about your hopes, fears, and desires. This radical honesty and intimacy of communication can be one of the most surprisingly sexy things about being swingers – and can make your marriage stronger than ever before.