I am a married man, and I want to have sex with other women. This wasn’t always the case, but now it is.
I mean, of course I’ve always NOTICED other women, fantasized about other women, etc. – but I didn’t really want to actually go through with having sex with them – that possibility was not open to me and I didn’t want to ask for it, because my understanding of what marriage was about meant that I wasn’t supposed to have sex with other women.
In the early years of dating and marriage to my wife, I was perfectly happy to be monogamous. I even remember watching a documentary about swingers with my wife, in the first year we were dating, and I remember saying, “Meh. That doesn’t seem like something that I would want to do. It just seems WRONG somehow.”
So what changed?
1. Parenthood. Becoming parents really changed our marriage, and not entirely for the better. We’re still very happy with each other, but we don’t get to have each other nearly as much as we used to. We have many more demands on our time, many more financial pressures, much more stress and aggravation each day. (And yes, children also bring new joys to your life, etc., etc. but the fact is, kids impose big costs on their parents’ marriage. It’s almost as if kids want their parents to get divorced.)
In the past 5 years I’ve become a father to two kids. Last year I got a vasectomy – I will not father any more children in my lifetime. My genetic seed is sown. While I’m grateful to have our two healthy kids, and relieved that we’re “done,” at the same time, part of me feels, now that we’re done having kids, I feel like I’m on the downhill slope of my life now.
I feel like having sex with other women is a way to reassert my vitality. I’m not ready to embrace my status as a sexless drone. I still want to have some adventures. It’s like my body and my hormones are telling me, “Go have sex with more women, impregnate more women” even though I’m not physically capable of getting anyone pregnant anymore.
None of this is my wife’s “fault” or a result of something she’s not doing right or failing to do. This is a change that has happened inside of me, unrelated to what my wife is doing.
2. Getting older. I’m 33 years old now, about to be 34. I’m not getting any younger. I find myself noticing other women more, appreciating women’s attention more, feeling more confident around women, feeling more assertive when talking to women. I organize things like “Ladies Night Out.” I love to go to strip clubs and spend money and revel in the attention of all of these naked, writhing females.
I see opportunities almost everywhere – not like EVERY woman in the world wants to be with me, of course, but I just feel…visible and desirable to women in a way that I didn’t always feel when I was young and single. I know that there are women who find me attractive. I know that there are possibilities out there for me. I want to experience as many of these possibilities as I can. There are still so many women that I would love to kiss, and touch, and taste…
Sometimes my wife asks, “Even if I was feeling fully like ‘myself’ again, and we could have sex every single day, would you still want to be non-monogamous?” And I’m not sure what to say to that. Maybe I would be satisfied being with “only” one woman if my wife and I could have sex as frequently as I would like. But part of me thinks, just because of the changes I’ve gone through in the past few years, I think I would still want to be non-monogamous, especially now that I’ve experienced what it’s like to be with other women even after being married.
Being non-monogamous is so fulfilling! Kissing another woman for the first time, seeing a new woman naked for the first time, slipping a finger inside of her, licking her nipples, feeling her mouth on me, bringing me to orgasm with her mouth…it all feels so completely, physically, emotionally and spiritually fulfilling and life-affirming. It just makes me feel really good. It makes me feel like “I’ve still got it,” I’ve still got this vitality and life force inside of me, I’m not just a sterilized “worker drone” dad changing diapers and paying bills and gaining weight.
Being with my wife makes me feel great too, of course – we still have tremendously exciting, fulfilling sex, just the two of us. But being with other women gives me a certain extra “supplement” to my sexual diet. I could live without that supplement, but I would hate to give it up. I feel like being with other women keeps me healthy, in a way. It keeps me feeling energized.
Sometimes my wife says, “If I let you have sex with other women, I’m afraid you’ll fall in love with another woman.” I suppose I understand how she might feel that way – sometimes I wonder too, “Are we playing with fire here, by doing this non-monogamy thing?” But then I think, “Well, I’m not going to fall in love with another woman – or at least, the real problem is, I’m not going to fall out of love with my wife.” I don’t think there’s any way that another woman could change the way I feel about my wife. The way I feel about my wife is a separate issue from how I feel about having sex with other women. As long as I love my wife and want to be with my wife, I’m not going to want to leave her.
Because here’s the thing: no matter who your spouse is having sex with (or not), your constant challenge as a married person is to keep your spouse from falling out of love with you. You shouldn’t worry about how they feel about other people, as long as they love you most of all. Right?
Here’s what non-monogamy has done for me: just like the poem in the photo says, it has helped me be more poetic, die to the mundane and the ordinary, so that the extraordinary explodes in my life. It’s helped me find an outlet for a new kind of creativity and passion. That’s what’s changed. I didn’t know that these feelings could exist – that I could be happily married and also enjoy exciting new experiences with new women. Now that I have experienced these feelings, I don’t want to give them up. Hopefully I won’t have to.