Swing Lifestyle Blog

Open marriage, polyamory and the Swinger Lifestyle (NSFW!)


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Why I love “Sex at Dawn”

Sex at Dawn

Sex at Dawn (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Sex at Dawn” is one of the most exciting books I’ve read in a long time. I love “Sex at Dawn.” I want to hand out copies of it like the Gideons do with The Bible. I love this book because it reinforces a lot of things I’ve felt and believed about the polyamory lifestyle.

“Sex at Dawn” is a book about evolutionary biology that explores the prehistoric ways of human sexuality and what it means for the way we live today. But it’s so much sexier than that description makes it sound!

The book explores a lot of ideas about the history of how humans evolved, how our human cultures have changed since our prehistoric hunter-gatherer days, and why we are biologically ill-suited to the way we live now. The thesis of “Sex at Dawn” is that humans were not meant to be monogamous – non-monogamy is our natural state. Humans do not “mate for life,” not if you look at the way our bodies evolved and the way many traditional cultures (still) live. The Western idea of the nuclear family is a fairly recent invention if you look at the long history of how human beings have lived on Earth, and perhaps the best way to save the nuclear family is to explore polyamory and other ways of soothing our natural urges.

Here are a few of the most exciting ideas that I most related to from “Sex at Dawn:”

1. I want to live in a matriarchal society. Prehistoric societies and many traditional “hunter gatherer” cultures are more egalitarian. Women tend to have more power than they have had (until fairly recently) in Western/monogamous cultures. Polyamory is part of the reason. When women can have multiple lovers, they don’t have to depend on one man to “provide” for them and their children. When paternity is uncertain, the whole village has an obligation to take care of the children, since no one knows for sure “whose” child it is. When women have more power and a better standard of living, men live better too. As Henry Rollins said (about an unrelated topic, the Steubenville rape case): “Things get better when women get more equality. That is a bit obvious but I think it leads to better results up the road. If it’s a man’s world as they say, then men, your world is a poorly run carnage fest.”

2. People in prehistoric times got laid constantly. Judging by the biological evidence, human bodies are more like some of our more “promiscuous” evolutionary relatives, bonobos. Also, many traditional hunter-gatherer societies (that are studied in modern times by anthropologists) are much more promiscuous than Western cultures – sex is part of the social glue that holds the communities together. People share their spouses with each other as a way of building community.

3. “It takes a village to raise a child” – paternity doesn’t matter. Sperm competition is a sign that people were biologically meant to have multiple partners at once.

4. Having sex with multiple people is good for your physical and mental health. Guys have affairs in midlife often because of low testosterone – having sex with someone new makes them feel alive again.

5. The first swingers were World War II pilots. The first modern-day “swingers” as we now recognize that term were World War II fighter pilots. They had the highest mortality rates of any combat group, and one of the things they did to build cohesion was to share wives – so that if one of the men died in combat, he knew that his wife would be taken care of by the larger group. Polyamory isn’t just about sexy fun – it’s a way to build a stronger community.

6. Monogamy is not the “natural” state of humankind. If you want to be monogamous for religious reasons or other personal reasons, that’s fine – but there’s nothing “unnatural” about polyamory. It has a long history in many human cultures – and many polyamorous cultures are more peaceful and egalitarian than monogamous cultures. When I was feeling that unique emotion of comfort and “naturalness” during our first time as swingers, it wasn’t a “new” feeling – I was feeling something “old” that has been part of the human experience for many centuries.

Have you read “Sex at Dawn?” What did you like best about this book? What aspects of “Sex at Dawn” would you like to make a reality in your own life? 


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Most surprising things about couple swapping group sex

Orgy or group sex scene illustration by Édouar...

Orgy or group sex scene illustration by Édouard-Henri Avril. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When my wife and I were first time swingers, we were surprised at how, well, “natural” it all felt. We were fortunate to have a really beautiful experience.

If you’ve been curious about what it’s really like to try couple swapping group sex or be part of the swinger lifestyle, here are a few things we learned:

  1. Couple swapping sex was very warm, friendly and sweet. Yes, it was very hot and exciting, but I was also surprised at how affectionate and emotionally fulfilling the encounter felt. We had lots of cuddling, kissing and pillow talk. It was so fun to feel two women’s naked bodies pressing against me from each side, getting to touch and kiss them both.
  2. It feels very natural. Like I said, even during our first time trying couple swapping, we felt no guilt, no jealousy and no bad feelings. It was a really fun, intensely pleasurable experience that we felt grateful to share with these special friends.
  3. It enhances and reinforces our marriage. I found it exciting to see my wife pleasuring another man (and another woman). I was proud to show her off and to share her with others. It gave me a whole new perspective on her sexuality and her ability to please and satisfy others.
  4. It makes us feel alive in lots of ways. No shame, no regrets. After our latest couple swapping encounter, we went home and had really hot sex with each other. The positive energy from being with another couple carries over into the rest of our lives.
  5. It makes me more optimistic for the future. My wife and I are in our 30s, and it’s fun going to swinger’s clubs and seeing “older couples” in their 50s, and they’re still sexy and desirable and having lots of fun. I totally want to have sex with some of these 50+ year old women now. It’s good to know that there is still so much to look forward to. Unlike the media images we see so often, where sex is portrayed as being only for the young and Photoshopped, the truth is that people need sex and connection and companionship and emotional release at all stages of life.
  6. It strengthens bonds between straight guys. I feel a real sense of friendship and connection with the other straight guys that have shared my wife with me. One of the things I read about in the book “Sex at Dawn” that really stuck with me, was that according to that book’s research, the first swingers in modern American culture were World War II fighter pilots who had the highest rates of death in combat. These men shared wives with each other, so that they would have a stronger sense of community – it was part of how they showed that they trusted each other and felt close to each other. And they knew that if any of them died in combat, their wives would be protected and loved by the surviving men.

I don’t feel that I’ve “lost” anything by sharing my wife with other men (and women). If anything, we’ve gained a stronger circle of friends.


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What is the “swing lifestyle?”

Getting into the swing lifestyle, becoming swingers, opening your marriage or becoming polyamorous can be one of the most exciting and inspiring ways to spice up your relationship.

My wife and I are in “the Lifestyle” as we call it. We are ethically non-monogamous. We have sexual relationships (and wonderful friendships) with people that we are not married to. We love it.

We decided to start this blog to help share some of our stories, offer advice, and hopefully be a helpful resource for other couples who are interested in getting into the swing lifestyle and want to know the right way to go about it.

Here are a few questions that people often have about the swing lifestyle and non-monogamy:

What kinds of people are in the swing lifestyle?

We’ve met people from all walks of life. Married couples, longtime girlfriends/boyfriends, people in their early 20s and people in their 50s and beyond. We’ve met swingers who are highly educated with professional jobs, swingers who are blue-collar, swingers with all kind of religious and political beliefs. It’s hard to generalize about “what types of people” you might meet in the swing lifestyle, because there are all kinds of people who are drawn to being non-monogamous. Although one thing that many of them have in common: for some reason, lots of swingers love to ride motorcycles. It must be the whole “thrill seeking” thing.

Where can you find couples who are looking for couples?

We’ve been surprised at what a large, supportive, active community of people are in the swing lifestyle, even in cities or parts of the country where you might not expect it. Some of the people you might least suspect of being swingers might be active in the swing lifestyle. But if you’re looking to find other couples looking for couples, here are a few places to look:

  • Craigslist: Look in the Casual Encounters section under “mw4mw.”
  • Swinger dating sites like Kasidie.com, C4P.com, LifestyleLounge.com and other local sites in your area. (Some swing lifestyle dating sites only have members in a particular city or state.)
  • Your immediate circle of friends: Do you have good friends who you trust to talk about EVERYTHING related to your sex life? Ask if they know of anyone who is in the swing lifestyle. Sometimes reaching out to your immediate circle is the best way to get connected to other couples who are interested in joining the swing lifestyle.

 What are some good books/videos about the swing lifestyle? 

One book that my wife and I highly recommend is “Sex at Dawn.” It’s not a “how-to manual” for the swing lifestyle, but it’s a very interesting book about the evolutionary biology of non-monogamy. Basically, the premise of the book is that humans weren’t meant to be monogamous. If you look at our strongest biological urges, and the way our bodies evolved, and the way humans used to live in our pre-history before the rise of agriculture and “industrial civilization,” it’s very natural for people have non-monogamous sexual relationships. Monogamy might work for some people, but they’re not the norm. There are too many marriages that end in divorce, or that drag through the years with both couples feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. We believe that the swing lifestyle – practicing ethical, consensual non-monogamy – is one of the best ways to spice up your marriage and create a stronger marriage. We’ll talk more about this on our blog. We want to help couples have better marriages and communicate better and enjoy life more than ever before!

Another great way to find out more about the swing lifestyle is to watch the documentary series, “Swing” on Playboy TV. This is a great show. They interview real couples are are trying to become swingers for the first time, and talk about their emotional journey. (It’s also a very hot, sexy show.)

What do people get out of being in the swing lifestyle? 

The swing lifestyle can be whatever you make of it. Some couples love to have casual, recreational sex – and that’s it. They don’t have emotional relationships or more extensive involvement with the people they meet in the swing lifestyle; they just like to get together and have sex.

Other people are more “polyamorous,” where they want to have more intense emotional relationships with their non-primary partners, as well as sex. There are many different models of polyamorous relationships – but it gets a bit complicated – too complicated for this introductory post.

Other people have an “open marriage” or “open relationship” where both partners are free to have sexual relationships with other people. Some partners have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, where they are free to have sex with whomever they like, as long as they don’t divulge the details. Other partners in an open marriage prefer to hear all the details, get to know each other’s other sex partners, and stay informed of everything that is going on.

It’s up to you and your partner as to which type of swing lifestyle relationship model you want to pursue. Just remember to communicate, communicate, communicate! Keep each other aware of your feelings and boundaries. The best way to avoid jealousy and hurt feelings is to communicate early and often – and if bad feelings come up, don’t let them fester.

My wife and I have found the swing lifestyle to be an enthralling journey of sexual adventure and self-discovery. We’re learning more about each other all the time as a result of being involved in the swing lifestyle, and we’re excited to share what we’ve learned.

Stay tuned for more.

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