Swing Lifestyle Blog

Open marriage, polyamory and the Swinger Lifestyle (NSFW!)

How to get your wife to be a swinger

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First of all, there’s no “getting” her to do anything. If you want to get your wife to consider the possibility of opening up your marriage or becoming swingers, you shouldn’t have to forcefully persuade or convince her. It’s more a matter of taking an indirect approach, being patient, and suggesting possibilities – plant the idea in her mind and see what she thinks.

My wife and I started out with “pillow talk.” We would talk about our fantasies, what sex positions or sex acts we wanted to try, which locations we wanted to have sex in, and other things that turned us on – whether or not we intended to act on these fantasies anytime soon.

Eventually as my wife and I talked more about how she was discovering and opening up to her bisexuality, we talked about which women she was attracted to. We started talking about “which of our immediate friends would you most like to have sex with?” That proceeded to other discussions about who would we most like to have a threesome with, or which couples would we consider bringing into our bedroom.

If you want to broach the subject of becoming swingers for the first time with your wife (or husband), say this:

“You know what I think would be really sexy?”

“What?”

“Watching you have sex with another woman/man.”

Talk about the idea of swinging not in terms of what you want to do (“I want to fuck other people”) but instead, frame the conversation in terms of what you want for your partner to experience. Don’t make it sound like a selfish thing, like you’re only interested in your own pleasure.

Or you could ask your wife (I’m assuming most people reading this post are married guys):

“What are some fantasies that you would like to explore? Have you ever fantasized about being with another man or another woman?”

Then if she says “Yes,” you can say:

“I have thought about it too, and the idea is exciting to me. I’m totally interested in exploring this with you.”

Hopefully your spouse is supportive of your fantasies and wants you to experience pleasure in life. Even if being swingers wasn’t something they’ve considered before, if you talk about the topic honestly and compassionately, a good loving spouse will hopefully be willing to at least hear you out.

Explain why you’re interested in swinging. Show your spouse that you don’t want it to be a threat to your relationship, but instead you want a non-monogamous lifestyle to enhance your relationship.

Be sure to take your time. Have a few conversations over time. Do research together. Go check out some swinger dating sites and swinger Craigslist ads together. Listen to podcasts like “Life On the Swingset” or “PolyWeekly.” Watch Playboy Swing together – this is the single best show we’ve seen that realistically depicts the true experience of being first time swingers. Watch swinger porn and see if the idea of group sex is appealing to you.

Talk about your concerns and fears, as well as your fantasies. What are your fears about becoming swingers? What are your boundaries? What do you definitely NOT want to happen during your first time as swingers?

If you approach the conversation about swinging in the right way, you might be pleasantly surprised to see how open-minded and excited your spouse can be.

How did you first start talking with your spouse about becoming swingers? Who brought it up? Who broached the subject? Were you nervous to introduce the possibility of an open marriage? 

3 thoughts on “How to get your wife to be a swinger

  1. Hell, I got conscripted into it! The wife brought it up and when I heard what was on her mind about it, I wasn’t nervous – I was terrified. I had all the fears and a few I didn’t know lived within me! Now, I know before we got married, I was quite the slut but was determined to do the right things once we tied the knot… and then she wanted it kinda undone.

    But it worked and I still think it did because we believed in ourselves more than the institution of marriage… and it was rather logical in that we’d done all of the stuff we could do together and it was time for us to broaden our horizons and experiences.

    • “We believed in ourselves more than the institution of marriage” – I like that idea a lot! Well put.

      • Thanks. Years later, when I thought about how we got started, I recalled something my mother told me the day I told her I was getting married: “Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you can make it…”

        Ya do what ya gotta do, right?

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