Swing Lifestyle Blog

Open marriage, polyamory and the Swinger Lifestyle (NSFW!)

Real swinger stories: One of us needs it more

10 Comments

Lust

Lust (Photo credit: annalise.ellen)

What do you do when one spouse needs the swinger lifestyle more than the other?

My wife and I have recently been talking about this. I am very enthusiastic about polyamory and the swinger lifestyle. (Obviously, as evidenced by this blog.) I love group sex. I love getting to experience these other women. I want to do even more with the swinger lifestyle. I would love to have a polyamorous “girlfriend,” in addition to our swinger relationships. I feel like the swinger lifestyle has changed my life for the better.

My wife is happy for me, and she agrees that the swinger lifestyle has been overwhelming a positive experience for us, but she doesn’t “need it” as much as I do. In fact, recently my wife has asked me to stop contacting any new swinger couples. The reason is, she just doesn’t feel sexy right now. She’s struggling with some hormone-related issues and body image issues related to being a mother. (We have two young kids and my wife still isn’t feeling like “herself” yet.) I think she looks fantastic and I desire her more than ever, but she has mostly lost her sex drive. I feel terrible for her, and it’s very sad and frustrating. I don’t know what I can do to help her.

My wife said that she’s happy to encourage me to get what I need outside of our marriage, within certain limits. She’s happy to keep seeing a few select swinger couples that we already know and like, such as Katie and Kevin and Jake and Jill. She’s happy to give me permission to go to strip clubs by myself. But she’s not open to opening up our marriage any further than that right now.

lust

lust (Photo credit: arhadetruit)

At first when she told me this, I was disappointed – because I had hoped to pursue a new poly relationship with a woman that I already know and have already flirted with (and I had already talked with my wife about this possibility). But my wife said it makes her feel bad to think that I’m off having sex with another woman. That’s a boundary for her, right now. She says she won’t necessarily always feel this way, and once she feels sexy and more like herself again, she would be open to having more swinger sex and giving me more permission to be with other women.

“Logically, I am fine with you seeing other women without me,” she said. “Emotionally, I am not fine with it. Maybe that’s not fair, but it’s reality. That one time when you had a solo date with Jill, I ended up feeling bad.”

“Well that settles it, then,” I said. “Because I don’t want to do anything to make you feel bad.”

I believe that ethical non-monogamy requires informed consent of everyone involved in the relationship – whether all of those people are in the room together or not. I don’t want to do anything to make my wife feel bad. No matter how excited I am about the swinger lifestyle, my first priority is my wife.

What do you do if your wife wants to be swingers more than you do? What do you do if a husband has a higher sex drive than his wife? How do you decide how to negotiate boundaries in your open marriage? Let us know in the Comments!

10 thoughts on “Real swinger stories: One of us needs it more

  1. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard these questions and when I have, it seems to me that at some point, a couple can be swinging right along, everything’s fine… and then one partner – usually the woman – decides that playing should be put on hold and that anything else in the pipeline for, say, expanding playing or the relationship, should be on hold as well. I’ve heard the questions enough – and have experienced this one myself – that I spend quite a bit of time trying to work out the dynamics and I’ve yet to come up with a definitive answer as to why this happens, although there are a lot of things that play into this.

    So if it happens, what do you do? If it’s the woman putting the brakes on things, well, you listen to her reasoning for this so that you can understand where she’s coming from… and then you wait as patiently as you can; maybe she’ll get whatever’s in her head resolved and playful operations can resume… or not. I’ve found that making a pitch to go off on your own doesn’t work that well and more so when the two of you decided, in the beginning, that this is something you wanted to do together so going off the reservation is going to be frowned upon. All you can do is wait.

    If it’s the man calling a halt to things, it’s usually because he’s having second (or fortieth) thoughts about sharing his woman with other people on a near-regular basis (and more so if he feels he’s been taking one for the team too many times); rarely is it because he’s decided he’s getting too much sex. So what, if anything, does his woman do when she’s now relegated back to just having sex with him?

    She might be able to talk him into cranking it back up again with the reason that it’ll keep making her happy. She might even try to convince him that her going off on her own would be a good thing… but that might not work… because, in my experience, there are very few swingers who also have an open relationship and that’s because swingers feel that very strong need to protect their core relationship.

    It’s a tough situation to be in; whichever partner has the raging hormones will just have to learn to tame them in the interlude because trying to push the matter isn’t going to resolve things. But, if you’re in an open relationship – but a partner isn’t comfortable about the other going solo, well, some conversation is required because, generally, being open is about forming other relationships and they could include sex. If a couple has some tight restrictions on being open, some renegotiation might be in order… but I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one.

    Great posting – gives a lot of food for thought for those people who are in the life and might be facing this situation!

    • Good thoughts, as always, kdaddy. Thanks for sharing these insights. I think your analysis is spot-on as to the reasons why men and women might want to put the brakes on the Lifestyle.

      For my wife and me, our immediate problem is that my wife just doesn’t feel right, physically or emotionally. It’s really hard. She is having some kind of hormone shift going on (related to breastfeeding and motherhood) that has caused her to pretty much lose her sex drive. It’s a lot harder for her to have an orgasm than it used to be. She sometimes feels “ruined” (even though I think she’s sexy as hell and many other guys (and gals) think she’s sexy as hell too)).

      We originally ONLY wanted to be swingers together. When we first started talking about this, the idea of having poly relationships sounded “wrong” to us. But our thinking has evolved a bit since then, and it’s something that we’re talking more about. Part of what prompted our change in thinking is that we both have an opportunity to have a relationship with a woman whose boyfriend is out of town for a few months on a work-related assignment. But scheduling doesn’t always allow us both to see her at the same time, so we asked each other, “Why not take turns seeing her separately?”

      I agree that patience is key.

  2. Love the blog, so happy I discovered it, and definitely wanted to respond to this article. I am the female of our swinging couple, and I won’t say I need it more (although that maybe true) but I am more open to all the possibilities where he is more, dare I say it, “conservative” about the lifestyle. I would be interested in opening our marriage, but he is definitely not ready for that, not sure if he ever will be. He’s reluctant about playing alone because he thinks I will have more opportunities to play than him. Not dating, but friends with benefits, I don’t think he would have any problem dating. I also enjoy the flirting and talking just as much as the sex, I’m an attention whore, so sexting seems very appealing to me, but my husband is not comfortable with that either.

    I can completely relate to your wife, as far as sexiness after children goes. I’ve never wanted fake boobs until starting the lifestyle but the girls just aren’t the same after two pregnancies and 2.5 years of breastfeeding. It can be intimidating getting naked in front of perky big boobs.

    • Betty, thanks so much for reading! I hope that this blog can be useful to you in finding more helpful information about the Lifestyle.

      I think the topic of “one spouse has more opportunities” is definitely real and can be fraught with hard feelings. We know a couple who have an open marriage, but they’re not swingers – they don’t have group sex, they don’t watch each other. The wife of the couple has a higher sex drive than her husband and seems to have more opportunities for dates than he does. She said that if either of them ever wanted to put a stop to their open marriage, they have agreed (in advance) to do that.

      Every couple has to work these things out for themselves. Fortunately there are many different models for how to do ethical non-monogamy in a way that works for you. Good luck, and please keep reading! (Also: your photos are really, really sexy. Well done!)

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