Swing Lifestyle Blog

Open marriage, polyamory and the Swinger Lifestyle (NSFW!)


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How I learned to love non-monogamy

I am a married man, and I want to have sex with other women. This wasn’t always the case, but now it is.

I mean, of course I’ve always NOTICED other women, fantasized about other women, etc. – but I didn’t really want to actually go through with having sex with them – that possibility was not open to me and I didn’t want to ask for it, because my understanding of what marriage was about meant that I wasn’t supposed to have sex with other women.

In the early years of dating and marriage to my wife, I was perfectly happy to be monogamous. I even remember watching a documentary about swingers with my wife, in the first year we were dating, and I remember saying, “Meh. That doesn’t seem like something that I would want to do. It just seems WRONG somehow.”

So what changed?

1. Parenthood. Becoming parents really changed our marriage, and not entirely for the better. We’re still very happy with each other, but we don’t get to have each other nearly as much as we used to. We have many more demands on our time, many more financial pressures, much more stress and aggravation each day. (And yes, children also bring new joys to your life, etc., etc. but the fact is, kids impose big costs on their parents’ marriage. It’s almost as if kids want their parents to get divorced.)

In the past 5 years I’ve become a father to two kids. Last year I got a vasectomy – I will not father any more children in my lifetime. My genetic seed is sown. While I’m grateful to have our two healthy kids, and relieved that we’re “done,” at the same time, part of me feels, now that we’re done having kids, I feel like I’m on the downhill slope of my life now.

I feel like having sex with other women is a way to reassert my vitality. I’m not ready to embrace my status as a sexless drone. I still want to have some adventures. It’s like my body and my hormones are telling me, “Go have sex with more women, impregnate more women” even though I’m not physically capable of getting anyone pregnant anymore.

None of this is my wife’s “fault” or a result of something she’s not doing right or failing to do. This is a change that has happened inside of me, unrelated to what my wife is doing.

2. Getting older. I’m 33 years old now, about to be 34. I’m not getting any younger. I find myself noticing other women more, appreciating women’s attention more, feeling more confident around women, feeling more assertive when talking to women. I organize things like “Ladies Night Out.” I love to go to strip clubs and spend money and revel in the attention of all of these naked, writhing females.

I see opportunities almost everywhere – not like EVERY woman in the world wants to be with me, of course, but I just feel…visible and desirable to women in a way that I didn’t always feel when I was young and single. I know that there are women who find me attractive. I know that there are possibilities out there for me. I want to experience as many of these possibilities as I can. There are still so many women that I would love to kiss, and touch, and taste…

Sometimes my wife asks, “Even if I was feeling fully like ‘myself’ again, and we could have sex every single day, would you still want to be non-monogamous?” And I’m not sure what to say to that. Maybe I would be satisfied being with “only” one woman if my wife and I could have sex as frequently as I would like. But part of me thinks, just because of the changes I’ve gone through in the past few years, I think I would still want to be non-monogamous, especially now that I’ve experienced what it’s like to be with other women even after being married.

Being non-monogamous is so fulfilling! Kissing another woman for the first time, seeing a new woman naked for the first time, slipping a finger inside of her, licking her nipples, feeling her mouth on me, bringing me to orgasm with her mouth…it all feels so completely, physically, emotionally and spiritually fulfilling and life-affirming. It just makes me feel really good. It makes me feel like “I’ve still got it,” I’ve still got this vitality and life force inside of me, I’m not just a sterilized “worker drone” dad changing diapers and paying bills and gaining weight.

Being with my wife makes me feel great too, of course – we still have tremendously exciting, fulfilling sex, just the two of us. But being with other women gives me a certain extra “supplement” to my sexual diet. I could live without that supplement, but I would hate to give it up. I feel like being with other women keeps me healthy, in a way. It keeps me feeling energized.

Sometimes my wife says, “If I let you have sex with other women, I’m afraid you’ll fall in love with another woman.” I suppose I understand how she might feel that way – sometimes I wonder too, “Are we playing with fire here, by doing this non-monogamy thing?” But then I think, “Well, I’m not going to fall in love with another woman – or at least, the real problem is, I’m not going to fall out of love with my wife.” I don’t think there’s any way that another woman could change the way I feel about my wife. The way I feel about my wife is a separate issue from how I feel about having sex with other women. As long as I love my wife and want to be with my wife, I’m not going to want to leave her.

Because here’s the thing: no matter who your spouse is having sex with (or not), your constant challenge as a married person is to keep your spouse from falling out of love with you. You shouldn’t worry about how they feel about other people, as long as they love you most of all. Right?

Here’s what non-monogamy has done for me: just like the poem in the photo says, it has helped me be more poetic, die to the mundane and the ordinary, so that the extraordinary explodes in my life. It’s helped me find an outlet for a new kind of creativity and passion. That’s what’s changed. I didn’t know that these feelings could exist – that I could be happily married and also enjoy exciting new experiences with new women. Now that I have experienced these feelings, I don’t want to give them up. Hopefully I won’t have to.


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30 questions about sex

OK, I’m back. (For now.) Even though my wife and I are “on hiatus” from the swinger lifestyle, I still need to write, people seem to enjoy this blog, and so I’m going to keep writing here. But maybe not as often as I used to. And it won’t always be about “swinger lifestyle” and non-monogamy topics, per se, maybe this will turn into more of a “sex blog.” Or I can just write porn reviews.

Anyway, I got this idea for a blog post from the lovely and talented Betty Homebanger. Enjoy!

1: When did you lose your virginity?

When I was 20 years old, in a hotel in Texas, driving home from college with my college girlfriend.

2: Rough sex or soft sex?

Soft. Gradually becoming rough, then soft again at the end.  

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?

No.  

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex?

In a Tokyo Love Hotel. The room had an outdoor jacuzzi, an indoor  jacuzzi, and a karaoke machine. I felt like I had stepped out of my life and into a Cinemax movie. And the sex was FANTASTIC. Best sex I had prior to meeting my wife.

5: Favourite sex position?

Doggy style. I love to watch myself entering her from behind. And I love women’s asses. 

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive?

Neither? I’m not kinky at all. But if I had to choose, I would say “dominant.” A few times, I have handcuffed my wife to the bed with a spreader bar holding her legs open, and I found that to be quite hot. But when my wife cuffed me to the bed, it mostly just made me feel kind of sad and bummed out.  

7: Have you ever had any one night stands?

Yes. The Tokyo Love Hotel. Plus some drunken hookups in college, if that counts.

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?

Our children sleep in our bed, so we don’t get to have sex on our bed anymore, but that’s OK because we’re really creative. Couch sex is really hot, but I prefer sex on the stairs. Have you ever tried it? It’s really great. So many angles, so many ways to penetrate your woman from below, from above, from the side…there are so many great places to have sex around the house! That should be a self-help book: “101 Great Places to Have Sex Around the House.”

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Yes. On a train and on a quiet country road (at night).  

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?

Yes, by my wife. Never been caught by my parents, THANK GOD. Although – this is funny – I never masturbated until I was 20 years old! I had already lost my virginity before I ever brought myself to orgasm with my own hand. I guess, ever since, I’ve been making up for lost time.   

11: What does your favourite sexy underwear look like?

To wear, or to see women wear? I don’t own any sexy underwear; I’m a guy. I’m just like, “Let’s get this stuff off and be naked, RIGHT NOW.” I love seeing my wife (and other women) in different styles of slinky, lacy little underthings, but mostly I just want to get the panties off so I can get at the pussy. I guess I’m rather impatient that way.

12: How often do you have sex?

*sigh* Depends on how often we can get child care. (Our kids never sleep and never leave us alone, so we only get to have sex when we hire a babysitter.) In a good month, maybe 4 or 5 times. In a bad month, maybe 2 or 3 times. If it was up to me, I would have sex every day – with my wife and/or with other women she approves of in advance. I have a high sex drive. It’s a real inconvenience. Sometimes I wish I could just accept my new status as a sexless drone, and get on with the rest of my life.

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?

Betty Homebanger. I think she’s sexy as hell. I like her attitude about the swinger lifestyle. She’s smart and witty and takes bangin’ photos of her hot MILF body.

Other than that…well, a few local women who are friends of mine and/or spouses of my friends.

I know everyone always says which celebrities they’d like to sleep with, but I don’t really care about celebrities. They probably don’t look quite as good in person without all the professional makeup/lighting/hair styling. Plus, celebrities tend to be insane.

I also like the idea of being able to go to a strip club and pick up a stripper and have sex with her that same night – just take her out to a cheap hotel and fuck in the hotel room. I like the idea of being able to “select” a woman to fulfill this one very specific fantasy, but without any emotional baggage or entanglements.  

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?

Giving. I love eating pussy. Getting a blow job is fun, but I consider it more of an appetizer for the main course of vaginal sex. I could happily eat pussy for hours.

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?

Premature ejaculations/uncooperative erections.

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?

“Closer” by Nine Inch Nails 

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?

Something by Marvin Gaye?  

18: Are you into dressing up for sex?

No. Don’t care. I’m not into cosplay or role-play or whatever. Just get your panties off and ride my cock, girl. (In my everyday life, I like to think that I’m a creative, imaginative person, but I’m really pretty vanilla about sex – except for wanting to have sex with multiple women.) 

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?

Bath. Shower sex is WAY overrated. Ugh. You’re constantly bumping into each other, knocking things over, feeling crowded, getting sprayed in the face with water…I like the idea of having sex in a jacuzzi, but my wife would never do that because she’s germaphobic. Plus, doesn’t the water wash away all of the woman’s natural lubricants? (Or is that just an urban legend? I’ve never actually had sex underwater.) 

20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be?

See 13.

21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you?

 No, but I would LOVE to have a threesome with two women. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. I really want to have a threesome someday and I hope it happens before I die. And I know, some guys say, “It’s really not that great,” or “It’s a lot of pressure, trying to perform and please two women,” but I really, really think I can handle it. I’ve thought about this a lot, and I really think I’m up for the challenge. So we shall see. We’ve even met two possible “unicorns” for drinks, but my wife didn’t really like either of them. Oh well.

22: Do you/would you use sex toys?

Yes. I enjoy using a vibrator on my wife to help her achieve orgasm (it’s a lot harder than it used to be for her to come, because our children destroyed her body). I have used a sex toy on myself as well – it’s kind of a mini-”Fleshlight” looking thing, and it’s fun, but it’s a hassle to clean, so I don’t use it very often.  

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?

Yes. I sent pictures of my penis to my “Internet Girlfriend.” And I send dirty texts to my wife all the time. 

24: Would you have sex with your best friend?

Assuming the best friend was female? Yes. 

25: Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink)

Shower. And then drive the babysitter home. You can’t drive the babysitter home when you reek of sex. 

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny?

Women taking off their clothes in a seductive fashion. Strip clubs. I am endlessly fascinated by the female form. I love to see women sharing their sexuality with me, teasing me, making eye contact, arching their backs, thrusting their hips, shaking their asses, spreading their legs, showing me EVERYTHING. God damn. Someday when I’m old and infirm and unable to get erections, I think I’ll still enjoy watching women take off their clothes. It just makes me feel really happy and peaceful and fulfilled. 

27: Early morning sex or late night sex?

Late night. I am a night owl. 

28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex?

Ass. I’m a total Ass Man.

29: Favourite body part on the same sex?

Pecs. I’m pretty proud of my pecs, even though I don’t work out much at all.

30: Do you watch porn?

Constantly. Almost every day. God, I love porn. It helps me get through all the lonely times while I’m waiting for my next opportunity for sex with my wife. It gives me inspiration and hope. I don’t really believe in religion or prayer, so instead I watch porn. Prayer gets answered about 50% of the time – porn gives guaranteed results every time.


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On Hiatus

Prior to today, I have published 100 blog posts on this Swinger Lifestyle Blog. Today makes post #101.

But now I think I’m going to take a break.

You see, my wife has asked that we take a break from the swinger lifestyle. Like, full stop. No extramarital non-monogamy of any kind, for either of us, for the foreseeable future (although my wife has given me permission to continue going to strip clubs, and I can still keep talking with my “Internet Girlfriend.”)

My wife just doesn’t feel like herself. Her hormones are off kilter, her sleep schedule is totally screwed up, and she feels exhausted all the time. She very rarely has that same sparkle in her eye that I remember from when we met. She doesn’t feel sexy, she doesn’t feel energized, she doesn’t feel like meeting new people or going on swinger dates, and she definitely doesn’t want me to be off getting laid while she’s home taking care of the kids and feeling dead inside. Even though we had a nice time on our prospective unicorn “date” the other day, she has realized that she’s not even interested in doing a MFF threesome. (God, I knew I shouldn’t have written about it on the blog. I totally jinxed it. I totally ruined everything by wanting it so much.)

So I’ve decided that there’s really no point in me putting any more time and energy into any of this for now.

My wife said that she’s not opposed to getting back into the “swing” of things in the future. Our experiment with non-monogamy is not “over” forever, it’s just “on the shelf.” Until she feels better. But that could take a long time – months, a year, two years? Who knows.

I feel rather disappointed. I feel like I got introduced to a tantalizing new world of unlimited sexual possibility, and now those possibilities are off-limits (for now). I know there is still hope for the future that all of my non-monogamy dreams can still come true someday, but at the moment my wife just isn’t up for giving me permission to pursue absolutely everything I would ideally love to pursue. And that is totally fair, and I understand why she feels that way, and I’m going to support her and be patient and hope that she feels better again soon.

And I don’t feel like it would be 100% honest to keep writing this swinger blog if I don’t have any new real swinger stories to share. Writing this blog would feel strange if I don’t get to have any real-life experiences to go along with the fantasies and the memories – it would feel like torturing myself.

I hope that this blog has been useful to you. Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments. Feel free to send me an e-mail at harukifan@yahoo.com

Ladies, if any of you have appreciated my writing and want to send me some tastefully sexy photos of yourselves – feel free. Because I’m going to be doing a lot of masturbation. :(

I hope everyone reading this can find what they’re looking for in the ethical non-monogamy lifestyle, whatever that may mean for you.

Goodbye (for now?).


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My absolute worst-case scenarios for the swinger lifestyle

Pregnancy in the 26th week.

Pregnancy in the 26th week. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve written before about swinger horror stories. In addition to these real-life swinger horror stories that have happened to some people we know, I have a few “worst case scenarios” that haven’t happened to me and my wife, but that would be horrible if they did.

It’s worth thinking about some of these things if you’re a first time swinger or if you’re thinking of getting into the swinger lifestyle. What would you do if one of these worst-case scenarios was to happen?

Pregnancy

Good God, that would be awful. My wife and I have two kids, and we are done. DONE DONE DONE. No more kids. No more. I even got a vasectomy, to make 100% certain that I will never get my wife pregnant again. But what if she got pregnant by one of our male swinger friends? Condoms break, after all. No method of birth control is absolutely 100% safe. (Even vasectomies fail sometimes – the severed tubes can grow back together.)

What to do: Talk with your partner in advance about this worst-case scenario. What if a condom breaks with a swinger partner? Would you buy the “morning after pill?” Would you get an abortion? Would you carry the pregnancy to term and raise the child like it was your own? Would you get into some kind of non-traditional multi-parent arrangement? God, I really, really hope this never happens to us. Ugh.

STD infection

Dear God, this would be awful. But it does happen. I’m not terribly worried about STDs from the swinger lifestyle – not to be naive or blasé, but I just don’t feel like it’s a huge risk because:

  1. We always use condoms
  2. We limit our number of partners (we’ve had sex with ONE other couple so far during 2013)
  3. Not everyone in the swinger lifestyle has STDs. Most people are disease-free.
  4. Even if one of our partners had an STD, there’s not a 100% guarantee that we would get it too. (We’re not doing the highest risk sex acts that are most likely to transmit STDs, like unprotected anal sex, etc.)

But still, good God would that be awful if we got an STD and/or transmitted one to someone else. I would be really embarrassed to have to make that phone call. (“Uh, hi. We have an STD and you might have one too!”)

But here’s the thing: most STDs can be “cured or endured,” as Dan Savage says. Most STDs are treatable with antibiotics, and the ones that aren’t often go away on their own. Most people don’t have a lifelong problem with herpes or HPV, even if they get infected – most people are going to get exposed to these viruses at some point just from having sex with people, no matter how “promiscuous” we are.

What to do: Make a plan with your partner for how to talk about STDs in case “it happens.” Get tested regularly. (Women can get screened for STDs at their annual well woman exam, along with an annual pap smear.) Men don’t need to get tested if they’re not showing symptoms – most tests for STDs for men are “invasive,” so to speak – so unless you have burning urination or horrible discharge from your urethra, or visible warts or lesions, you’re probably OK. (And yes, many STDs are asymptomatic, so wrap up that cock in a latex condom, fellas.) But I remember the advice my doctor gave me when I asked about getting tested for STDs (even though I was symptom free) – he said, “If you’re a man, and you have an STD, you’ll know.”

Our parents finding out about our secret life

Dear God that would be so, so awful. I know my parents love me unconditionally, but they would not REMOTELY understand or accept this thing that my wife and I are doing together. They would never, EVER understand. I would rather be gay or bisexual and come out to my parents about that, than “come out” to them as being openly non-monogamous.

What to do: Don’t worry too much. Even if your parents DID find out that you and your spouse are non-monogamous, it is not their business. Even if they asked you about it, even if they saw a sex tape of you having group sex with other couples, even if some mean-spirited small-town gossip was spreading rumors about you and it somehow got back to your parents, if your parents EVER ask you about it, just say, “My sex life with my spouse is our business. And I don’t have to confirm or deny or respond to anything you’re saying. Not to be rude, but I don’t want to or need to talk with you about this particular topic.”

“Fatal Attraction”

The only thing that really worries me about the prospect of opening up our marriage further and having polyamorous dating relationships (aside from swinging) is the prospect of, “What if one of our poly dates turns out to be emotionally unstable/unhinged/jealous/destructive in some way?” Like, what if the “other woman” decides that she wants to steal me away from my wife, or whatever? And what if it turns into some kind of horrible dramatic situation?

What to do: Date good people. Get to know people well before you start a more intimate relationship with them. One reason why many couples “only” do swinging (instead of solo polyamorous dating) is because swinging with other couples often seems less emotionally risky – you both have your own partners to go home to. But I think poly dating can work just as well, as long as you minimize the chances for problems. Don’t rush into anything. Vet your dates. (Google them! Look for red flags!) There’s always a level of emotional risk when dating – whether it’s as a single person or as a non-monogamous couple. You can never be 100% risk-free, but you can manage your risks along the way.

Is the swinger lifestyle worth the risks? I would say “Yes.” Even most of the worst-case scenarios can be avoided, managed or resolved.


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Is subconscious guilt holding you back from swinging?

My good blogger buddy Kdaddy made a comment the other day on my article about “Why Isn’t Everyone a Swinger?” that really made me think, and it brought up a very good point that I had somewhat overlooked:

Here’s something you may not have considered: Subconscious guilt. I’ve learned over the years of being non-monogamous that even I have had moments where something in my head says to me, “You know, y’all shouldn’t be doing this shit…” and that this thought is hanging out isn’t all that surprising since we are taught – and it’s heavily enforced – that married people should never, ever do this. My ex would have these moments and they didn’t have anything to do with her libido, day-to-day pressures, nothing like that; when asked, she would reply, “I dunno… sometimes it just doesn’t feel right.”

I have seen this kind of subconscious guilt happen in my own life, even fairly recently. It’s hard sometimes.

The other day I was having drinks with a friend of mine, who is totally “vanilla” and who does NOT know about our “secret life,” and he was asking me:

“What do you think about the ‘Indecent Proposal’ question? Like, would you have sex with a woman for a million dollars, even though you’re married?”

And I said “Yes.”

And he said he wouldn’t, and he went on to deliver this very principled, very fair defense of fidelity, monogamy, etc. And not in a judgmental way, or whatever. He wasn’t horrified by what I said, he wasn’t being prudish, he was just very clear in his own mind as to why he wanted to be monogamous and faithful, and why that was important to him.

And I was just sitting there thinking, “I cannot honestly have a full conversation with you about this right now.”

Sometimes I wish it was possible to just be more open about everything.

I wish I could just say to my friend in that situation, “Well actually, my wife and I have sex with other people, and we don’t think it’s wrong or bad for our marriage.”

I wish I could just openly kiss other women in public without worrying about what people would think – “maybe they’ll think I’m cheating on my wife!”

I don’t feel “guilty” for my own sake. I look at swinging and non-monogamy as part of a lifestyle of having more freedom, and just doing what works for me and my wife, and the rest of the world can go to hell for all I care.

I think the only thing that sometimes gives me pause, is thinking about, “What would my parents think if they found out?” That would be a real nightmare. Because I just know that my mother would be HORRIFIED. HORRIFIED.

Because my mom would think that we were doing this because we weren’t happy with our marriage, that we were going to get divorced, that we were morally degenerate, that I was disrespecting my wife and other women, etc. etc. (My mom is kind of a blend of sex-negative feminist and Catholic guilt-trip deliverer. But I love her immensely, don’t get me wrong – and she is very supportive of gay rights, but she is not one of those moms who you can talk to about sex, especially not something like swinging. She would be HORRIFIED.)

So, I guess the point is: this is some surprising advice for swingers, but I think it’s very true: it’s natural to occasionally feel weird little twinges of guilt about being in the swinger lifestyle, even if you’re totally liberated/sex-positive/open-minded/sexually adventurous, etc. There still might be little moments that come up that remind you that this way of life is not “the norm” for most people and that some people might think what you are doing is wrong.

This is part of the phenomenon of being in the poly closet. I wish we could all be more open about things, and be honest with each other and ourselves at all times. This is part of what makes the swinger lifestyle challenging: it’s not just about being slutty (although that helps); being ethically non-monogamous requires a certain kind of constant self-awareness and a certain kind of courage.


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The moment of anticipation

Long ago, watching “The Simpsons” when I was in elementary school, there was an episode where Marge was tempted to have an affair with a smooth-talking French lothario named Jacques.

Just before Marge and Jacques were scheduled to meet for a sex date, Jacques was standing in front of his bathroom mirror getting ready, slapping on some cologne, and saying to himself:

“Here’s to the greatest moment of all – better than the deed, better than the memory…the moment…of ANTICIPATION.”

That’s how I feel right now.

The reason is: tomorrow night my wife and I have a “date” of sorts with not one, but TWO prospective unicorns. God, I’m afraid to even write anything about it here for fear that I will jinx it and blow our chances of having anything happen.

But I’m really excited about this special night out. It will be just the four of us. My wife, me, and two other women. We’re going to meet at a classy, sophisticated bar downtown and have some drinks. I told the other ladies to wear something sexy, since it’s a classy joint. We know these women through some interesting connections.

Here are the two women we’re “dating” tomorrow night:

1. May: “May” (not her real name, of course) is a cute, curvy blonde who’s a few years younger than us. I originally met May after Oktoberfest last fall, at a 24-hour diner after midnight. May was wearing one of those sexy German barmaid dresses with the laces in the bust. She looked so good that my guy friend and I asked her to take a picture with us. May became one of my Facebook friends and since then we’ve exchanged some messages – I’ve tried to invite May to “Ladies Night Out” a few times, but she’s never been able to make it. Then, a couple months ago, my wife got a message on a dating site (my wife has a profile there, announcing that she is bisexual and looking for women to date), and the message was from May! And May is bisexual too! And May wants to meet up with us and get to know us better. And did I mention she’s really cool and smart and funny and has a bangin’ curvaceous figure? Damn. I’m not even usually that into blondes as my number 1 favorite “type,” but I’m totally intrigued by May. And so is my wife.

2. Jade: “Jade” (not her real name) is a cute, petite, curvy Black woman who is in her early 40s but looks at least 10 years younger. I literally was floored when she told me how old she was. I would have guessed 25 or 28 years old. She’s geeky and artsy and witty. She really has a great sense of humor. Jade and I had a very interesting conversation a couple months ago where we somehow started flirting with each other.

Jade is single, and said she hasn’t dated in awhile.

“That is a tragedy,” I said. “What type of guys are you into?”

“Oh, you’re my type,” she said. “Tall, geeky white guys.”

“Interesting,” I said. “Maybe since it’s hard to find available single guys, you should consider dating married men.”

“I have,” she said. “I don’t really have moral objections to much of anything.”

Jade is NOT bisexual, so that’s a drawback, but my wife wants to at least meet her, in case/if/when we ever get to the point that she might let me date Jade on my own. Or maybe Jade would be up for tag-teaming me with my wife? Like a MFM threesome with two straight guys, except the straight guys are women and I play the role of the single female? Hmmmm. Jade sounds like she might be up for anything, and I know she likes me, so we shall see.

And, in addition to these two other women mentioned above, I recently got to experience the thrill of a new first kiss with our other “unicorn” who we recently met. (With my wife’s permission.) I was out at a bar with the unicorn and some of my other lady friends (my wife was home with the kids), and I texted my wife saying, “Can I kiss her?” And my wife texted back, “Yes. No witnesses.”

So the unicorn and I snuck out of the bar, walked a few blocks, and kissed passionately on a dark residential street. We have good chemistry. I like the way she tastes, I like the scent of her hair, I like how fiercely and openly she desires me and hugs me. I really hope my wife will let me have some kind of relationship with this other unicorn, even if the three of us never do anything together. I’d be happy to just keep kissing her on dark streets outside of bars. Whatever I can get permission to do.

And today my wife and I had a wonderful Date Day. We sent the kids to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and had the house to ourselves for the day. We went out for sushi, came home, and had cozy, comfortable, skin-to-skin sex, lying in each other’s arms for hours, falling asleep lying naked against each other, waking up from the nap for a second round of lovemaking.

Days like this make me feel very calm, comfortable and loved. I’m so grateful for my wife. I’m so grateful for these other opportunities with other women. I feel so glad to be alive, to be wanted, to be connected, to be loved.


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Swinging and mortality

Maybe this sounds melodramatic, but it’s true: I love being non-monogamous because it helps me forget about dying.

I try to be upbeat and funny and charming and optimistic, but the truth is, deep down, people who know me well would tell you that I have a rather tragic sensibility about life.

I have an excessive awareness of my own mortality. I think about tragic things a lot. I fear losing my wife to illness. I read the latest horrors in the news and I fear losing my children to tragedies. I fear dying young before I get to experience more of what life can offer.

I have seen a surprising number of people in my life commit suicide or die in tragic circumstances.

My wife’s father died of cancer at age 66. He had been looking forward to retirement for many years, because that was when he was going to travel and play a lot of golf and do everything he wanted to do and had waited to do for so long. A couple years ago, all in the same year, we had two deaths in the family (one was expected, one was way too young and sickeningly tragic) and two close family friends who died of terrible, sudden-onset health problems.

One of the tragic deaths was my relative, who got run over by a city bus while walking across the street to go to work. One of our family friends died suddenly of a heart attack in the middle of the night at age 62. She had just retired. Another family friend died of cancer that came on fast and killed him in six months at age 61, right after he retired for health reasons.

Another friend died this year at age 33 – the same age that I am now. She left behind a husband and two young children. 3 years ago, one of my friends committed suicide. We attended his funeral just a few days before my wife gave birth to our second child.

All of these tragedies have reminded me that LIFE IS SHORT and life can be very unpredictable.

And even if I don’t suffer any horrible tragedies and live a long, healthy life – the fact is, life goes so fast!

Time keeps speeding up on me. Time doesn’t “fly,” it disappears! Time disappears like water poured into the cracked soil of a thirsty houseplant. One of my favorite (younger) cousins, who I once held on my lap when he was 2 years old, just graduated from college. I have sons who are older than he was in that memory.

I’m 33 years old. 12 years ago, I graduated from college, which at the time felt like the most momentous occasion in my life. But those 12 years have gone by in a heartbeat. In another hearbeat, I’ll be 45. In another heartbeat, I’ll be 57. In another heartbeat, I’ll be 69. I am feeling a greater urgency as my life compresses toward death. My world is shrinking as I get older – not entirely in a bad way, but sometimes I feel like I want to break out and reach farther and meet more people and experience more. I have a hunger for experience! Swinging helps me to satisfy part of that hunger.

Parenthood has reminded me that life is a long conveyor belt – a moving walkway bearing us toward a terminating scythe. And the walkway keeps speeding up.

So for me, seeing all of these tragedies, and feeling the steadily accelerating drumbeat of life happening around me, has reminded me that I want to experience more pleasure and intimacy and excitement and, well, LOVE in my life. Before I die.

I want to have more sex, with more women. I want to have more first kisses – God, there are still so many women I want to taste and experience in this way!

I want to see more women peeling their panties off and showing me everything, showing me their most intimate places. I want to put my mouth on them, drinking them in, breathing them in, savoring their feminine essence. I want more women to know how I feel about them, to feel appreciated by me, to share something special with me, to remember me when I’m gone.

When a woman takes me in her arms for the first time, kisses me on the mouth, looks me in the eye and smiles with desire, when a woman shows me that I am welcome inside of her body, I feel warm and accepted and redeemed – having sex with women reminds me again and again that I’m not dead yet, I’m not alone, I’m still part of the larger project of the human species.

Sex is salvation for me – deliverance from 1,000 mundane daily anxieties and hassles and worries. I’m not religious – religion has never brought me comfort. I don’t pray. I don’t meditate (but maybe I should). I don’t have a lot of other “hobbies” other than writing this blog. I work, I take care of my kids and my house, I spend time with my wife, and I try to make some fantasies come true.

Sex isn’t everything, of course. I still need exercise and socializing and creative expression and productivity and the fulfillment that comes from being a parent and a family member and a contributing part of the larger community.

But sex is the most meaningful, exciting thing I’ve found in my life. I’m a worshipper at the Church of the Vagina.

This video is really amazing – but it’s not about sex. It’s called “The Eagleman Stag” and it won an award for best short film. I highly recommend watching this if you’re in the mood for some beautiful, wistful and profound rumination on life and the passage of time.

THE EAGLEMAN STAG from Mikey Please on Vimeo.

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